Five Faux Pas of 2011.... or the Scratchiest Head Scratchers of the Year!

Well to every ying, there needs to be a yang... for every Batman there needs to be a Joker...for every East Hampton Patch there is a Hamptons Chatter and for every U2 there needs to be a Justin Bieber. In other words, you have to learn to take the good with the bad. So in response to the good stuff that we had out east last year, there were some less than stellar moments in the Hamptons. So starting with number 5 and going to number 1, I'm counting down the biggest mistakes in the Hamptons, 2011!

#5 The Empty Red Horse Market in East Hampton - What a waste to let a prime piece of Hamptons real estate sit for over a year totally vacant. It was last fall when Tutto Italiano shuttered its doors in this prime location only to leave shop owners in the center collecting cob webs on their registers. Well the only reason this isn't number one is

because it looks as if they finally have a new tenant there. Prime Meats, formerly of the over cooked and newly scorched Hamptons Market (personally I like uncharred non-burnt markets) moving into the new location along with Gurney's Bakery, a bread shop and a cheese vendor. Although, I heard it's the former Pasquale of Tutto Italiano as far as I know that is an unconfirmed. Let's hope they can stand the challenge if that Whole Foods really goes in the old Plitt Ford as rumored.

#4 The Carvel Drive Thru Window - Now, I love my soft serve and Cookie Puss Cakes as much as the next guy but I'm willing to park my Mercedees before I make a

dash for a vanilla cone with sprinkles. Hey, it would have been ok if you called even! I mean, it's in the store and it's not melting yet, so relax. In all seriousness, luckily nobody was hurt in this race for the cone. But don't you think Carvel should have just left it that way?!

#3 Rugosa - Ok, I checked in there once in 2010 and I was the "MAYOR" on Foursquare til the day they closed. Ok, so you're telling me I'm the only one who ate there!? I know, it looked like it. The food wasn't bad but the menu there was virtually impossible. While I don't know who owned Rugosa, I have to ask did they really think there was a big demand in the summer for "squab in plum sauce?" But even if you found something you could eat on the menu, while the food was actually pretty good the service was enough to make you beg for a scrap of bread or a "Hungry Man" tv dinner. So essentially 2011 was a mistake.


#2 LIPA's Hurricane Irene Recovery Plan - Ummmmm yeah, they'll be there to fix uh... the.. um.. what do you call it.. the uh...the power lines....ummmm... sometime between... ummmmmm... uh... later today and

next Saturday at 5pm! It was like they were getting their customer service playbook from Cablevision. But what LIPA screwed up this past year has been a boom for contractors on the east end. HOW? I have never met more people installing generators than I have in the past 3 months.

#1 THE MTK Festival or Music to Know - Ok guys, first mistake was did you ever look into how much it costs to rent a house or hotel room in the Hamptons during August?! Second, where were all these sort of Woodstockers going to sleep... pitch a tent on some lawn on Gin Lane? Third, the people who actually like Vampire Weekend for example (although I do but I'm very cool for my age) are probably working at the restaurants

and stores in August and they can't take off because it's busy! DUH! My suggestion, skip the music to know and give me music I already know. I would have paid to see The GO-GO's, The Pretenders or Duran Duran... or even Neil Diamond for G-d's sake. But that's just me and most of the 40 something friends I know. I'm forever stuck in the 80's and the rest are too tired learn anything new.

Tesla apparently made summer quicker in Montauk... and lock your doors and hide your porridge a fairy tale about summer renters!!!

So my blog has been a little spotty lately but what can I say?! We've actually been selling houses out here on the east end. You know, I must work since I don't make enough money on this blog to eat let alone afford a pair of Ferragamo's.

Well my first tale is one that I've never heard before, although a few have told me they have! It starts with my getting my brand new watch fixed and somehow it folded into the mystery and legend surrounding the Montauk Project. If you never heard of the Montauk project, according to Wickipedia it's described as THIS. So, when I went to the jewelry store the other day to get my watch repaired the sales

woman asked me to describe what was wrong. I explained how the hands would sporadically just start to spin. It was her question next that stumped me, "were you in Montauk?" I said "no, why do you ask?" She went on to describe how they get people in the store all of the time for watch repair describing a problem similar to mine. Their watch just started spinning! Woah, holy Bill and Ted's Excellent adventure. Are people going into time warps in Montauk? According to the sales person (who I won't disclose) some locals feel it's the result of the experiments that happened back during WW II. So did Tesla plant a giant magnet under Navy Beach!?!? Leonard Nimoy we need you to go "In Search Of" now!! Let me know if any of you have had similar or have heard the same story!

Finally, a little fairy tale about the Hamptons and a warning to folks off Wainscot Northwest Rd. Once upon a time there was...er.. is a little... well actually....a big share house full with wall street kids from the firm of "Holdem Backs." Yes, these young male and female heirs apparent to Goldilocks and perhaps Bernie Madoff searched high and low for the perfect summer retreat in the Hamptons. Well they found one that was just right. They settled in quickly and merrily played and perhaps partied a little too hard. So hard in fact, they lost their way through the scary Northwest woods!!!

So, what to do when you've had a little to much to drink while in the forest. I mean woods... and you need to take a nap!? You naturally go for a walk! I mean neighbors are friendly here in the East Hampton forest, right?! So later that summer evening a family of homeowners came home to their house and notice the flat screen was on! "Someone is sleeping in our living room" the poppa homeowner declared! Yes, the family was

surprised to see someone sleeping in their bed... er I mean their sofa! So were they friendly to Mr. Goldilocks? Nope, they called the police and notified the landlord who was none too pleased to hear about so many bears...er... summer renters were sleeping in his beds (damn this would have been funnier if Bear Sterns were still in business, right?). But just one final note and little mixing of tales here... neighbors are looking high and low for the prince who slept on the sofa. It appears he left a flip flop behind, perhaps I should have instead called him Cinderfella!

From the Boat to the Beach, the old JL East gets spruced up and ready for the summer!! Announcing the BEACH HOUSE!

It looks like they're working around the clock to get the former PRIME 103...JL East... Peconic Coast spot into shape for restaurateur Michael Gluckman's latest, "THE BEACH HOUSE." I'm told they're making it similar to their old "The Lodge" with a bit more fish and seafood thrown into

the mix. If you've never been inside the place, it's one of the best locations in the Hamptons. According to some, It's allegedly been mired in litigation and unable to change hands from the man known as Jean Luc (Ed Kleefeld). Don't you love that, I'm changing my name now too... call me Dash Riprock Fromage! It sounds kind of french and dashing!? Right? Anyway, earlier this year Gluckman unloaded the old Bamboo (Shiki) and started putting forth his efforts into the new location.

You might also remember Gluckman along with manager Rory Boothby ran a very successful afternoon tea dance at the Lodge. According to the latter, look for that to continue at the Beach House this summer. With an amazing outdoor patio and expansive bar space, it should be a bigger and more consistent crowd. Look for an opening sometime in the next 3 weeks.

I'm telling you there's less than 100 Beach permits left for East Hampton Village!!! Plus some links to help you get your feet wet and sandy!

It looks nice this picture... doesn't it??! Well if you don't hurry, forget it!! If you weren't already aware, full-season resident and non-resident permits are available now! Non-resident permits are limited in number and are issued on a first-come, first-serve basis. And as of today, there are only about 60 permits left (according to the woman at Village Hall I spoke with)>

Permits are available in person at Village Hall from 9-4pm! It's too late to do this by mail in my opinion. Both residents and non-residents must provide; a copy of a valid vehicle registration , drivers license, street address and owner of the property as listed on their tax bill as well as proof of residency
Non-residents must also provide a check or money order in the amount of $325 per vehicle, payable to "Village of East Hampton" . Here is the link if you need more information:

http://www.easthamptonvillage.org/permits.htm

Meanwhile, for Southampton village, East Hampton town and Southampton town; permits are not limited so you can rest a little easier. But here are the links you may need for information on all of this!

www.town.east-hampton.ny.us

Beach permits for EH Town cost is about $350.00 for non-residents $25 for resident, yeah, it used to be free.

Now for Southampton information:

www.southamptonvillage.org

SH Village is free for village residents, $200 for town residents and $350 for non residents.

www.southamptontown.org

SH Town $30 for residents and $225 for non residents.

Most beaches have day passes available, check out the websites to find out which beaches have that option.

Now, finally every year I get a new bunch of folks who are coming out to rent in the Hamptons for the first time. So, here it is. Some of the stuff you need to read before you go to the Hamptons. When you rent a house, most payments are half at the signing of the lease and the rest a week or so BEFORE you move in. Don't worry about the commission, the landlord pays that. So, in turn don't forget your agent is working for the landlord.

As for the expenses, the following are all usually paid for by the tenant unless you have a really generous landlord. Phone, cable TV, electric, gas, lawn care, pool maintenance, maid service/cleaning, trash pick up (or you can go to the dump)and cleaning supplies. This is a general rule of thumb. Are there some landlords who will pay for all this? Sure, the same landlords who leave mints on your pillow are the same ones who pay for all of this. If you don't want to deal with all of this, there are some great B+B's out east... just google! I'm glad to be back!!

Restaurant Shuffle

I'm sorry I've been MIA the past few weeks. I was traveling and things got busy. But I'm back and I'm ready to roll!!! Speaking of roll and or rolls... sushi rolls that is!

Bamboo is gone and Shiki has arrived. Sushi is great, prices are about the same but the interior is a little sleeker and clean. They don't have a liquor license just yet so BYOB, but that should be fixed soon and once it is Thursday Free Sushi Night will return!

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Also if you're curious about Shiki, they're a restaurant from "up island" as we like to say. One is in Babylon and the other in Smithtown. It's gotten pretty good reviews in Zagat's and the food has been called "“fresh”, “tasty”, “expertly prepared” sushi and “outrageous rolls” as well as “unusual hot dishes” in “large portions”, its “reliability” and “great deals” continue to lure “locals.”

I thought my two dinners there were pretty terrific. So rest easy East Hampton, you don't have to go too far for good sushi. I'll see you again at Shiki! Here's the web site for the restaurant:

http://shiki-longisland.com/

Tales from the Trenches... the renters and landlords from HELL!!! YES, they are true!!!

In case you weren't aware, August 1st is High Noon in the Hamptons for real estate agents. WHY? Because it's the day most of the rental customers move in for their end of the summer rentals. While real estate agents make more than say the girl at the Carvel, when people are paying some serious bucks the expectations are a little different. So, I did a little informal polling around town with home owners and a few agents from Prudential, Corcoran and the other guys and asked what are some of your favorite stories from the trenches. Here are a few of my personal favorites. The names have been changed to protect the stupid and innocent!


A TOAST TO THE BROKER: Friends of mine decided to rent their own home south of the highway for August and spend the month in Europe. They were relieved when they found a wealthy couple from out of state who would actually be moving in with their maid, butler and entire staff to look after their very pristine home. Well while their home was for the most part pristine the kitchen had issues. The issue? The toaster was sub par and required more than one cycle to get the bread golden brown. The irate renters insisted said landlords immediately get a new toaster that morning while they were "still having breakfast!" The landlord's response was "Krups you!"

HALSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM: This comes from an agent who's customers "The Smiths" have a bad short term memory and won't settle for second best. Due to an influx of arriving renters and scheduling conflicts the agent "Halston" was unable to meet Mr & Mrs. Smith to let them in to their new August rental. No problem. They've been to the house before and Halston would leave them a key under the mat and meet them later to make sure everything is alright. Well the Smiths arrived and loved the house! "Halston, dont' bother we're fine... we'll speak to you later if we have a problem!" Well two days later, "Halston we have a problem!" The Smiths were awoken early in the morning by the owners of the house! The homeowners were shocked to find someone sleeping in their beds! "Who are you people" the owners exclaimed!?" The Smiths were indignant and shocked, "we're the people who rented this house!" There was only one problem, The Smith's didn't rent the house they rented the one next door!

GLEN OR GLENDA: What is an agent to do when he or she rents a home to someone who isn't what they appear?! One broker went to the home at the owners request to find out who was the extra woman staying in their house?! They had rented it to a single gentleman who seemed to have shacked up and allowed a woman to move in without the landlords consent. Well imagine the surprise that nobody new had moved in. It was just a matter of the the tenants preference to wear heels and skirts while vacationing in the Hamptons. As if they're weren't already enough single women in the Hamptons!!!?

Finally a few quickie requests and complaints that agents have received over the past few years;

1) There is no hot water in the master shower... both knobs say cold!!
2) Can you help us change the light bulb in the night stand lamp, we're not very mechanical!?
3) There are too many bugs in the back yard and there is no screened in porch, you need to do something!
4) Would the landlord mind cutting down the one tree? It's blocking the late afternoon sun from the pool!
5) How would running the pool heater drain the propane tanks??!


Oh people, there are way more stories here to discuss. Perhaps I'll have more in the days to come! But now you know why I haven't blogged and what I've been dealing with!!!

Finally, to those folks that have that top agent representing their property. If they're too busy to let another agent preview a $39 million dollar home, do you think they're wasting their time showing your cheap $10 million dollar shack?! Any guesses who this broker is?

Who said the crowds are mellow and fun loving during the summer???!

Yep this is a real video featuring my cousin in law Jordan Goldman. Who thought a silly little toy could provoke such hostility!? Hey, I guess everyone has their own issues!!!


Meanwhile, I was busy busy busy! But saw some great stuff at the East Hampton Fine Arts Festival. If you have some time, It's at the American Legion of East Hampton on Montauk Highway in Amagansett from 10a to 6p. I know it's not everyones cup of tea but if you can go with an open mind, it's a nice hour of activity.

Finally, I've never seen Blondie live but I heard they're awesome. Anyway, I just got front row seats for their performance at Westhampton Beach Performing Arts Center. They still have more tickets available at http://whbpac.org , the performance is Sunday September 5Th. If you think that Blondie doesn't have it anymore take a look at this video from their album about 3 years ago.

Change, Change, Change.... or maybe not and your friend who got a $40,000 oceanfront rental is lying!

I keep hearing everyone talk about how "The Hamptons have changed so much over the past few years." Well, I beg to differ. I've compiled a list of things that are still the same out east. And remember as Carly Simon sang, "these are the good old days."

The best steak place in town is still The Palm.

Sushi is still free Thursday nights at Bamboo.

The bagels at Hampton Bagels on North Main are still the best.

The staff at Bagel Buoy in Sag Harbor is still nasty.

The American Hotel still has a great Saturday night bar crowd.

The lines at Walbaums in East Hampton are still way too long.

Friday night at Almond is still a bad place for DWF's to meet SWM's but hey, it's still fun!

Howie at Paradise is still the best bar tender.

Driving out on Friday night to the Hamptons can still take almost as much time as flying from NY to LA. Thank god we know Howie!

I'll still have to wait in line to get into Georgica.

There are still no $40,000 oceanfront summer rentals in Bridgehampton despite what your friend's friend is saying.

The East Hampton police still hit the beach at 9:01a on weekends to ticket dog owners.

You still need a mortgage to get a lunch at the Golden Pear.

And finally... the donuts at Scoop Du Jour are still just as good as when they were Dresen's.

So stop your belly aching folks and just enjoy the summer!!!


Finally... If you read this blog than you know about Russell my new terrorist... I mean dog. Anyway, he's here thanks to the folks at Last Chance Animal Rescue Fund of the Hamptons. Russell is also a big martini drinker so it only makes sense that he and I attend the first annual "Martini's for Mutts" to benefit the Last Chance Animal Rescue Fund, on Saturday, Aug. 29, from 5 p.m to 8 p.m. Yeah, I'm giving you plenty of advance notice.

Enjoy an evening of poolside cocktails to benefit this most worthy cause at the home of Edward Montak and Michelle Neufeld, at 214 Toppings Path in Sagaponack.

Last Chance Animal Rescue Fund is a charitable, not-for-profit organization, created to save the lives of animals. The organization states "We rescue animals that are located in "KILL" facilities and underwrite the costs of relocating them to "NO KILL" facilities in hopes of finding them a forever family. The minimum donation is $30. RSVP at neufeld.michelle@gmail.com.

http://www.lcarf.org/about.php

Also, look for last years weekly afternoon tea dance to be relocated to Bamboo in East Hampton. Details to come...

For a mere $80,000 you can live like a sports legend!!!

Former New York Ranger, Rod Gilbert.... yes, the first man ever to have his jersey hung from the rafters of Madison Square Garden has thrown his private home into the hamptons rental pool! So what do you get? Well I'm stealing this from agent Richard Kudlak and Linda Casinover's ad copy for their exclusive/rental. Awe inspiring water views of Noyac Bay topped off by gorgeous sunsets, creating a new palette of color every evening. This newly built homes offers a dramatic high-ceiling living room with floor to ceiling fireplace stonework, beautifully mirrored wet bar and wine cooler. The tastefully done gourmet kitchen abuts an additional waterside family room. Three bedrooms plus a den/fourth bedroom, a huge high-ceilinged basement awaiting your own personal configuration and the piece-de -resitance: a dramatic limestone outdoor patio complimenting the gorgeous pool with two dramatic waterfalls. An outdoor surround sound system brings the tropics to Sag Harbor. Large master bedroom with Jacuzzi tub overlooking the Bay tops it off. Pretty awesome huh?! Plus you get to relax have a glass of chardonnay and look at Rod's years of memorablia... feel free to call me or Linda and Rich for details!!! The house is also for sale for a cool $2.2 million! Here is the link for the listing!

http://www.prudentialelliman.com/Listings.aspx?ListingID=H21796&rentalperiod=&SearchType=Broker_Current&Region=HNF&BID=999990

UGGGGH! I've been busy but I have some rental stories from hell!!

Sorry, I haven't been around lately. I was busy doing this and doing that and I had a house full of Canadian Guests!!! They fly south every summer and stay for a weekend and usually bring good gifts... much easier than Canadian Geese!

Anyway, I've been talking to a few friends and myself included and here are a few rental stories from the war zone!

A couple has rented a 10,000 square foot house south of the highway called the land lord and started berating him!! Why?!?! Because there was NO TOASTER! Let's just put it this way, the rental was well over $100k for A MONTH... and they're pissed about a toaster!!! When my friend the landlord stated that indeed there was a toaster over in the kitchen, the horrified response from the renter was "Are you kidding, EVERYONE knows there's a difference in how toast tastes from a toaster oven!"

Hmmmmmm... ok. On to the next. Things are a little slow in the purchase department lately although it IS picking up. None the less, some top agents are still taking out folks looking to rent...even short term. I recently had one who was looking at rentals up to $80,000 for July and August. When they finally found a house, where do you think they came in at?! Yup, $25,000! The landlord was gracious and declined the blue light special to his house. His comment, "I won't travel and I'll just stay home."

Another story from the NW Woods where a house was infested with wood ants. Just imagine the horror of the agent who showed the house which was asking for $18,000 for the month of August, only to find piles of wood shavings all over the house and on top of mirrors and dressers (apparently that's what happens with wood ants. When the agent apologized for showing the house in the current condition, the potential renters said, "I'll take it but I want a bigger discount!"

A story from East Hampton, a tenant rents a house with a heated pool. The pool is heated by propane which comes in tanks and is delivered on an automatic basis. Well as everyone knows the weather has been a bit chilly lately. Well guess what happens when you run your pool gas heater all week?! It runs out of gas!!! Now the tenant who calls on Saturday is angry because she has a pool party for her 7 year old on Sunday afternoon...and the kids will have to swim in a cold pool! "You need to do something," she yells at the landlord. Who actually can't do anything... as anyone who has ever called Pulver gas on a Saturday afternoon can tell you! Anyway, enough for today, I have to get back to work. I promise I'm back!!

Stuff to do this Friday... I'm too frantic to be humorous!

So what to do this weekend???? One great event is on Saturday... The Hetrick Martin Institute, home to the Harvey Milk school in NYC is hosting it's "Schools Out" party. It will be held at the beautiful home of Peter Wilson and Scott Sanders - 189 Further Lane, East Hampton.. It's starts at 6pm and goes til 8:30pm. You can buy tickets at the door with cash, credit card or check... from a valid bank account of course!!! If you want more details on the organization or the event, I encourage you to visit the web site: http://www.hmi.org/Events.aspx

Also.. if you're really bored my new favorite video in the world is on YOUTUBE.COM. It's a literal lyrical version of singer Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." While I love the song the video is one Velveeta short of Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield" but it does come close! To quote one line "the gayest man on earth would find this over the top!" It also has a great line about "Spinning Ninjas." Don't ask... watch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

Finally, a little real estate news. Rentals for the season are up by about 40% or more. While the prices are not what they used to be... renters are coming out to take advantage of the Hampton's Blue Light Specials. But do me one favor folks.. please don't offer $.40 cents on the dollar. Things haven't gone that low. You might want to try Mastic instead.