Monday, June 29, 2015


I'm sorry but I'm confused.   This past Winter sucked... tons of snow... tons of cold.... a loooooong winter and yet "the ticks are worse than ever!"   I thought if we had a cold winter then the tick population would be smaller.   They froze right?!  But now, I keep hearing the ticks are worse this year because we had a cold winter!  My head is hurting.  This is more head ache inducing than watching Madonna act.... the same bad actress who apparently doesn't like paying taxes for her Hamptons spread!! Hmmmmmm.

But I digress, Recently I got an e mail from a Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NJ who writes.   "Dear Hamptons Chatter, So what's the real deal on the ticks this year?   Which kind of tick just bit me?  Do I have Lyme disease or Lime disease? How do I remove a tick?   Is it really worse this year than last year?   What can I do to help keep ticks away?"     Well Mr. Feder, you ask a lot of gross questions that I don't want to answer. So instead, I'm suggesting you go visit the University of Rhode Island's website  There you'll find the answers to everything you wanted to know about ticks that I found too gross to answer.   One thing they do say on the site is that it is indeed worse this year than last year because of the cold.  Uggghhhhh.  Anyway, from the site... some good advice for parents....

Another thing about the East End that I also find puzzling is the name of some of the streets out here. I mean it's the Hamptons!   Shouldn't all the streets have beautiful and idyllic names?   Well that's my point.   If you're a home owner on one of these following streets, I suggest you get together with your neighbors and push for a name change.   Not only might it help improve property values, it might also look a lot better on your next holiday card's return address.    In no particular order by the way here are some streets that could benefit from a name change.*

Prime location... questionable name! 
Swamp Road -EH- As my friend Bill Mccuddy says, "only in the Hamptons will people pay $2 million to live on a road called Swamp."     My suggestion is to rename this Cedar Vista Way.    Isn't that better?!

Widow Gavits Road -Sag Harbor- OMG... really?   So sad.   How about we call it, "New Chapter Lane."   I mean no disrespect to Mr. Gavits but don't you think it's time she moves on?

You named a street after him?
Van Houton Street - Southampton (Riverhead) - They named a street after Millhouse?  The geeky kid?!  How about Bart Boulevard instead.  It still has that comic appeal but less nerdy!

Mount Misery - Sag Harbor - Put on the Barry Manilow albums and get me a razor blade!  It's actually a really nice street and close to Sag Harbor Village  But oh that name!!   So what to do? Let's rename it Fallon Way... after Jimmy Fallon!  My favorite Hamptons celebrity who seems to always be happy and friendly to everyone!  OK, how do we start this petition!?

Dead Trail - Southampton - It's located right off of Bridies path.... so why not call it Groomies path? Everyone loves a bride and groom.  It's a good location and surrounded by trees but what a bummer of a name.  Although it's a perfect location during Halloween!  Insert scary laugh here!  

*not sure if it will really help values but hopefully you got a good chuckle.

Friday, June 26, 2015


The New Harbor Market!
Hi all, just remember Hamptons Chatter is not a daily, a weekly or any other type of regular anything.  I also refuse to take any sort of literary Metamucil!   I only speak when I feel inspired to speak, when the muses have touched me or when something around town really pisses me off.    So guess what? The muses haven't touched me but I am a little.... wait no negativity here either.   I need to breathe.   Hmm.   OK now for the not angry edition of Hamptons Chatter or as editors have been known to call this "HC."    I can live with that... HC!

Well, I finally had the chance to go the new Harbor Market and Kitchen in Sag Harbor to see if all the fuss and arguing was worth it.  Well, here I am to tell you it was much ado about nothing!   The place looks fantastic, beautiful barn doors, cedar shingles and the whole exterior of the place is totally in keeping in with the neighborhood aesthetic.     The food by the way, is also pretty good especially the pizzas but only order when you're not in a hurry.   As for the much feared industrial sounds coming from the roof and the awful unattractive roof.... well it's pretty damn quiet and its way more attractive than that house on 114 that looks like it's being built for the Munsters or the hideous colors radiating from Yummilicious!   Not that I don't love Yummilicious.

I don't know the owners of the market but I can tell you they've had their hands full battling to open the market... remember this is the same street where panties were twisted over a huge pair of legs.... but there efforts have paid off.    The interior is beautiful and the sandwiches, salads and the macaroni and cheese are pretty good too!    So go, check it out and decide for yourself.... and decide if the world really changed that much on Henry Street!?

But you know different things find different things offensive.     What do I find offensive??????   Some of the prices we are forced to pay here around town in the Hamptons!  Here is my brief list of some of the worst offenders.  Now remember, I don't mind paying big bucks for the guacamole at Round Swamp Farm because it's amazing.   What I do resent is mediocre products at premium prices. But remember, this is not an angry blog.  I'm staying positive.   So here are some of the most positively overpriced items I can think of on the East End.... 2015 Edition!

No supersizing here - Sanscerre that is Sen-sationally expensive!! 
Sen Restaurant - This Sag Harbor establishment is always packed and I get it.   The food is good but a dinner for two with a few glasses of wine and some sushi shouldn't cost nearly $300 bucks!    Well, part of it might have been the very stingy pours of Sancerre wine that the owner or manager was inspecting before going to the waiting tables.  REALLY?  It's a $14 dollar glass of wine... you're not going to lose money if they give some lucky diner an extra ouce!    It will be a long time before I go to Sen again, instead I'll head to Zokkon in East Hampton which is a fraction of the cost and just as good.   It's also never packed there.... but it should be... great food and friendly prices!

Any Taxi in the Hamptons - I recently went from the Hampton Jitney to BMW in Southampton.   How far was that?  What 300 yards?!  It cost me nearly $20 dollars because it was a flat rate. Apparently that is for all cabs across the board... or so I'm told   Now before you all go saying I'm lazy and should have walked, I had a ton of luggage.   But really... $20?!  I could have taken a cab from the Upper East Side to Midtown for less.   But hey, it's the Hamptons where some take the motto "if you have to ask the price then you shouldn't be here!"

Babette's East Hampton -  How much would you pay for a Western Omelette?     How about $18.95 at this Village eatery.   There really isn't much to say here... I mean it's an omelette!    Instead of getting eggs here, how about getting the same dish at Princess Diner for $9.95.   By the way, what's with the .95 cents, is it some sort of weird egg law or tax?   For crying out loud people, say what it is for real;  $10 and $19.

East Hampton and Southampton Parking Tickets - Go to the beach without a permit or park on one of the lanes and you're going to get slapped with a $150 parking ticket.   Yup, that's like getting two California Rolls and a glass of wine at a certain restaurant!  By the way, don't try messing with any of the brownies - the kids that write the tickets... nothing to do with Tate's or Round Swamp Brownies.... wait I'm hungry!   OH, don't mess with the kids writing tickets in any of the villages, they may be taking their SAT's in the fall but these kids do not fool around!

Well, I'm back to pure happy thoughts now!    So I'm done writing.



Thursday, June 11, 2015


The royal formerly known as Prince William, now known as Kate Middleton's husband is apparently planning to bring his Windsor brood to spend their summer in the Hamptons!   I know!  I know!   I'm as excited as the next Anglophile!    According to the rarely reliable OK magazine, the two have already rented a large estate to rub elbows with the likes of Spielberg and Martha.    According to palace "sources" they have always wanted to come here so George and Charlotte can "enjoy the sea and the sunshine."   It sounds reasonable to me, so ignore those wet blankets over at Gossip Cop that are calling this report complete b*##*#$@!     In fact, I have a few suggestions for the royals when they take that leap across the pond.   I know William will find it here on Hamptons Chatter next time he googles his name in a exhausted or drunken stupor!
Calls to Buckingham palace have not been returned!

Hi William, hopefully you didn't buy that estate yet and you'll be calling me as your agent in the near future.   Why will you call me?  Well after you enjoy these five awesome suggestions I have for you when visiting the Hamptons, you'll know I'm your go to man!

Cyril's:  Will, it's the best people watching in the Hamptons and the location overlooking scenic route 27 is fit for a King, which you should be next IMHO!   Make sure to order two BBCs (don't ask just drink) and Kate will be macking on you like you're that lead singer guy from One Direction!  

Home Goods:   Who doesn't love a bargain!?   You and Kate can stock the estate with fresh linen and towels and even those nifty plastic margarita glasses without paying a kings ransom!  Not that I hope Charles gets kidnapped and you become King... but if that happens... NO PROBLEMO!  You'll be saving a bundle and have the cash as your "HOME GOODS HAPPY."

The Essence of cool!
The Giant Duck:   OK, it's actually NOT in the Hamptons but it's a GIANT DUCK!   Hello!?  How cool is that!?

Martha Stewart's House:    She lives in town and if you give me a call, I'm happy to share her address.  Just go over, she loves drop by guests!   She'll help Kate use local flowers to make the most amazing table centerpieces and her fresh lemonade is to die for... really!   Just go!  Tell her I said it was OK.  

The American Hotel:   A Hamptons institution where you can spot an occasional celebrity and enjoy scenic Sag Harbor.  Another plus is they now have hooks under the bar for Kate's purse.    One final suggestion; I would wait till HRH Elizabeth II comes to town and bring her, she will actually be one of the younger folks at the bar, which will make her feel good.    You'll all have a blast! 

Finally, when you come to town Will... can I call you Will?... make sure to bring some good allergy medicine because it is apparently ...."POLLENGEDDON" out here right now!   Pools are green, cars are green, windows are green and my poor dog Bella is green... and it's not easy!     So, luckily I have two quick ideas you can follow to help make breathing easier here on the east end.   Try small doses of some local honey, apparently it will help you build a resistance to the pollen since the local bees use the same pollen to make the sweet stuff!   You can also try showering more frequently, apparently the pollen sticks to your skin and hair more than you realize.   So stop breathing all that dead epidermis and pollen and take a shower.  If all else fails, head to CVS and get some Claritan and make sure to register for the frequent shopper points!